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Time to panic.

It’s like we’re conditioned right from the start to figure out what we’re “meant” to do. Like we live in some kind of romantic, plot-twisted drama that the main character is terminally troubled with finding their destiny. We’re ruined of some kind of freedom to choose what that is; because it doesn’t seem as if life ever stopped and gave me a chance to think about it. Sure, we can pick majors in college; some of us may even do so because we like the subject. Most of us do so because the classes seem cool or we may delude ourselves into thinking we’re good at it. What happens post-college if you are left with self-doubt and anxiety? You freak the fuck out.

I’m sitting Indian-style in front of two roads (diverged in a yellow wood, yeah everyone knows Robert Frost), contemplating how my 24 years up to now has… veritably failed me. I am in no way suggesting I am not the person who I want to be. I actually like who I am; that’s not the problem. My problem is that my main character has no occupation. No passionate career to work towards, despite my having graduated college last year. Herein lies the rub… 

I can choose to go to law school, work at the bank I’m currently employed, and live miserably ever after. It’s the smart decision and the one that obviously everyone wants me to choose. Because OF COURSE I should go to law school! I’m crazy for even doubting that right?! It’s a sure thing: the prestige, the money, the networks. Seems like a disturbingly perfect solution. It would alleviate my anxiety about what the rest of my life would look like. Just one little thing: I do not want to do it.

I know my parents will be disappointed and they probably need to get used to me making crazy, left-turn decisions by now. But I REALLY do not want to go to law school. So why did I apply then? Because I fell in love with the prospect of working on First Amendment cases and beating the shit out of censorship in America. I wanted to be one of the “good guys” in Washington and help innocent victims get their voices heard and protect our First Amendment rights. But I can no longer pretend that is in any way realistic for me. The fact is that I will not be one of those lawyers on Capitol Hill protesting the current national controversy. It’s time I accept that, that was a fleeting dream of mine and it’s time to move on.

After some cliched soul-searching  (Goo Goo Dolls playing the background, as rain softly hits my window #killmenow), I may have finally came back around full circle.

It’s time to rededicate my life to my passions and work towards the career that I want, the one that I NEED. I want to work in the media because it’s what I know and it’s what I’m good at. Print, digital, broadcast journalism…bring it on, bitches. Social media marketing is something I plan to learn more about as it is a growing industry and it intrigues me greatly. So it’s high time I look for a job in my field and get some experience under my belt.

I have no idea if I will come to regret this decision or if I will always wonder “what if.” But none of us have any clue what the fuck we’re doing here anyway; so I am not going to spend any second of my precious time here doing something that I do not genuinely want to do. Maybe a little bit of the anxious unknown keeps me excited. Maybe I genuinely like it.

I want to be a romantic, troubled main character in my own plot-twisted drama that I create only for me. Not for someone else. This is my life. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.

erica x

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